The Secret Life of a Girl with SAD
by Byakko C.L
Summary: My name is Hinata Hyuuga. You probably don't know me. I'm that girl in the back of the class nobody notices. I'm the shy girl at partys that stands awkwardly in the corner. I'm the girl who sits by herself every free and lunch. I'm the girl, who is to afraid to try, for fear of failing. The girl who is afraid to speak up, to act out, to BE HERSELF. I'm that girl. The girl with SAD.
1. Chapter 1

Hi. My name is Hinata Hyuuga. You probably don't know me. I'm that girl in the back if the class that nobody notices (nor cares about). I'm the shy girl at partys that stands awkwardly in the corner, or at the snack table, or is standing with a group, just watching and listening, nodding and smiling every now and then. I'm the girl who sits by herself every free and lunch except for when a one of her cousin's friends aproaches her, and has her join them. Or, when they don't show up, just sits there until someone feels bad for her and asks I'm the girl, who is to afraid to try, for fear of failing. I'm the girl, who is afraid to speak up, to act out, to be herself. I am that girl. The girl with social anxiety disorder.

...

(It's me again!) Until recently, I just thought that I was extremely shy. I know know that that is not at all true. I do, in fact, have something called 'social anxiety' -or social phobia. I took a test (online) called: 'Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale Test'. Here was how they scored it:

55-65 Moderate social phobia  
65-80 Marked social phobia  
80-95 Severe social phobia  
Greater than 95 - Very severe social phobia

Wanna make a guess as to what I got?

...

...

...

The Answer:

ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-ONE.

You heard me.

Err... well, _read _me?

Anyway.

There's no way I'm going to tell anyone. I want too... but I can't. I just can't. There's no way I can do that. NO WAY.

And so, I shall continue to be afraid.

...

Because I have social anxiety, nobody knows who I really am. If only they knew, there's so much more to me! I'd love to get up and dance and sing and have fun...but what if I look stupid? What if I'm horrible a-a-and... And what if I make them hate me? What if they get annoying and/or mad?! What if I upset them? What if they think I'm retarded and call me names? What if can't stand me and I look horrible a-a and I...I-I...

I want to be able to get on a stage and act out a part in a play-but what if I'm no good? I wouldn't know because I've never done it before. What if they give me weird looks a-and-what if they point and laugh and make fun of me? WHAT THEN?

I wanna be able to go the pool in a cute bikini and swim for hours and then tan in the sun and-and... But what if they think I'm too fat? What if I'm too ugly? What if they're disgusted by the sight of me? What if they're whispering about how ugly and fat and horrible I am a-and th-they're... They... W-wha... Urgh.

I want to be able to wear what I want do act how I want, but... What if I don't look good? What if they think I'm trying to be someone I'm not? What if- Ughh.

What if... I try, and I FAIL. I'd rather nobody even know I exist, than to have even one person dislike me in anyway...

I'm probably annoying you right now. I'm sorry. I'm really REALLY _really __**REALLY **_sorry. I promise-I swear I'll try not to complain anymore or really talk about my problems. I'm sorry.

So anyway.

I guess I'll tell you some about myself. As I said (not that you probably care), my name is Hinata Hyuuga, and most don't know me-nor do they even know I exist. Umm... I'm not very tall, and I have short blue hair with bangs, and pale skin. And um... Well...I was born on December 27th and... I'm a capricorn and... Well, I live in Konoha and I'm four foot ten... I weigh about eighty-four pounds. I dislike sea food, such as crab and shrimp, and... Well, just about everything you know about me, except for what I just told you, probably isn't true.

Because of my (very) severe social anxiety/phobia, hardly anybody knows anything about me. To them I'm just a sweet little girl who is shy, fat/chubby, very polite, sometimes forgetfull, and allways tries her best-though it isn't much. Etc, etc, etc.

Yeah, well, they're WRONG.

Flat out dead wrong.

That's right.

You heard me.

...

Didn't I allready say that? Ah, well.

So, I'm not shy. I have (very) severe anxiety disorder. I'm not as fat/chubby as I appear. I just tend to wear very baggy and large/oversized/WAYTOOFREAKENLARGEFORME clothes, usually sweatshirts, jackets, jeans, sneakers, and boots. I'm only polite because at last second I freak out and panic aobut what they'll think about me and...yeah. I'm not _sometimes_ forgetfull. I'm almost ALLWAYS forgetfull. And when I do remember, I'm usually too lazy. And I never try my best. Ever. I'm actually a lot smarter than I seem, but if anyone knew that, they'd start expecting so much of me I couldn't handle it. It's much easier if when you give about 40%, people think you're giving 110%.


	2. Chapter 2

I started high school a few weeks ago.

I don't like it.

It's too hard, and...

Ugh.

There are so many things to complain about... Barely anyone from my old school chose the smae school as me-five people, to be exact. Did I mention only two of them are my friends? No? Well it's true. That'd be Kiba and Shino-and I don't even know much about Shino anyway! The other three are Neji, Lee, and Tenten. They're my cousin and his closest friends. Actually, Tenten is his girlfriend.

It's so akward sitting at the luch table alone every free-people would sometimes ask me to sit with them, and I'd only say yes because I'm afraid I'll make them feel bad! There are some people that are nice, though. They always say 'hi' and smile when they see me, and often have me sit with them. Their names are Ayame and Haku...though I have a _slight_ suspicion that Haku _may _be a boy.

Only thing is...this is a private/catholic high school... **(meaning uniforms)**

Then there's the fact that I keep forgetting homework! When I see how disapointed they are, I can't help but feel so bad/sad-I even get slightly suicidal I feel so bad!

And my mom... she get's so mad... and I have to have her sign a paper regarded a homework assiment I missed...

I don't even wanna _think_ about how my dad would react... it just scares me, and makes things worse...

Then there's what happened the day before yesterday. I had gym-or P.E.-and I accidentally left some of my books-including the folder containing ALL my important papers in it-in the locker room! I didn't even realize/remember until it was too late! And I've yet had a chance to go to the Lost and Found-hell, I haven't even been able to find it yet! An dI'm too afraid to ask anyone... Damn S.A.D...

I kind of want to die.

High school's too much for me.

...pgbreaker...

I think I have some friends... though they're not really mine. They're my cousin's, Neji's, and they're nice to me. So I guess they're my friends...

Guess.

I'm not that good at guessing.

I can't tell when someone's serious or joking around sometimes.

And for some reason, I can't tell the difference between being friendly, and being mena-kind of like bully.

Funny, isn't it?

Just my luck.

As if S.A.D. wasn't making everything complicated enough.

I'll you some examples:

1. About a year ago I went trick-or-treating with a group of friends, and there was this guy we kept running into. I thought he was nice, and kept looking forward to when we would bump into him again.

But then,,,

One of my friends...

She said she thought we should go back.

We agreed.

One of the major reason why, was that boy.

Apparently he was being mean.

The others agreed.

But somehow, I hadn't even noticed.

2. Another time, would be in my foreign language class. The person who sits in front of me-I thought he was a nice guy. I thought all those times he'd annoy me, he was joking around-y'know, like how guys normally do? But then one time Kiba told him to 'leave her alone'. It was then I began to realize what a bastard he is. Hmpth,

I'd list more, but I really don't want to think about it anymore.

By the way, in case you haven't noticed, by the way I talk, I probably don't sound very shy, or like I have social phobia, do I? Well, that's because I'm writing it on a laptop, and I'm not actually talking to you-and if I want, no one would have to read this. I could simply backspace-and 'poof', it's gone! Etc, etc, etc...

Well, I'm tired, my eyes hurt, and I'm sad; so I'm going to go to bed before I begin feeling anymore suicidal than I already am.


End file.
